Small towns, SUV's and the fugitive mind

I am originally from Raleigh, North Carolina. Born and raised in the capital city all I knew was living in a big city. During the high school years I discovered the world outside my capital. I had been to smaller towns on family trips and such, but those towns may as well not even existed. I never set foot on the ground there. After leaving the nest and exploring the country on my own I learned what it was like to live in a small town. And hated it... I have personally been to between 30-35 states and lived in a third of them at least for a few months. A lot of time has been spent in the midwest. I made my closest friends there and they became an extended family which is why I lingered so long. Unfortunately for me, they lived in the smallest towns and the restlessness never abated. There were bars everywhere. I don't drink. There were no ball clubs on a college or pro level. I love sports and going to games. No one played sports. I was probably born with a basketball in one hand and a football in the other. Everyone knew everybody which got me lots of looks being the 'outsider'. Generations of families all lived in these quiet towns and I would find many of them had not ventured or cared to venture outside town limits. Dating was a worthless pursuit. Have you lived in the midwest? The women look eerily similar to the men. All those things I could come to terms with for a while. There was one thing that got to me every single day...

The speed limits.

In my hometown, the speed limit is merely a suggestion. The yellow light means you better speed up, you have four seconds left...You didn't get pulled over for speeding, you got pulled over for excessive speeding. Excessive being 15 mph or more. In a city of a million people, allowances were given. In a small town no one speeds. The speed limit through town is 25 mph. Not 30. Not 35. Definitely not 40. Those limits are left for the highways. Two lane highways at that and if there's a tractor on the highway which in the midwest is a common occurrence, plan on adding another half hour to your commute. Minimum. You may as well be driving through a retirement village. The bluehairs are in their two ton Buicks and to them, 25 mph is speeding so they go 20. There's nowhere to pass and so you're stuck in your car going at a speed you could easily eclipse on foot. I hate small towns. I especially hate small towns in the midwest and I think all small towns should either be destroyed or overdeveloped to the point of motorized sidewalks. You want fresh air? Sit on the roof. Go to the lake. You want to sunbathe naked? No one is stopping you. I personally encourage it. You don't want neighbors for miles around? Move to Canada. There are plenty of wide open spaces out there. This is America, built on business, ideas, technology and the thievery of those who came across the ocean from England with boatloads of my ancestors!

The indians were here first...

Forget forty acres and a mule, give me a three story home with a Ferrari in the garage! This is the age of progress! After toiling in such mind-numbing anonymity living in a small town brings I finally got out and moved to Arizona where I landed...in another small town. Page, Arizona. I was just planning to live there a couple months. Work at the resort on Lake Powell and move on. I fell into a job teaching my passion, drama, at the local high school and dooming myself to another nine months in purgatory. Once that was done, I made my break for it and went on to bright, sunny Phoenix.

Haaaaaaaaa-LAY-loooooo-YA!

Finally, I had my metropolis! Bright lights, big city, hot women, places to go, things to do, sports, museums, Panda Express!!!

YES! AND IT COUNTS!!

Unfortunately, I have forgotten the vanity of the big city. In my pure joy of seeing posted speed limits of 40 and 45 through the city I gave no thought to the 'beautiful people' in their luxury automobiles, on their cell phones, not paying attention to a damn thing in front of them.

SUV, minivan, Hummer and pickup truck drivers i'm talking to YOU!

Here's my question. Why is it that the bigger the vehicle is, the slower you drive? I see you in your Excursions, Navigators, Explorers, Odysseys, Escalades, Pathfinders Xcursions and every other vehicle with a name that is some variation on road trip. Yes they're big. Yes, they're shiny. Yes, i'm sure they have put you into a great deal of debt and i'm very happy for you. Now will you do us a big favor and just GO! Why are you putt putting along at 55 when the speed limit is 65? WHY do you take ten minutes to make a simple right turn? Will it turn over if you take the corner going a brisk 10 mph? I know those monstrosities are the equivalent of a living room on wheels but would it be too much to ask to turn off the four televisions and drive! I zip through town in my sportscar and a nice one at that but I could care less who sees me in it. (Unless she's really hot and has no one in the passenger seat...) If I wanted to get there tomorrow I would have left yesterday. There's nothing worse than being behind these things when they're side by side in front of you. The light changes and they both mozey forward at a crawl. I travel with magazines in the car now so I can have something to do while these monkeys rediscover the gas pedal. It has nothing to do with physics, horsepower or anything else mechanical. Know your role monster truck drivers and punch it bitches!! I'm not one who road rages but you're all lucky i'm not wealthy or I would just bump you all until I had enough room to push through. Then i'd pay your damages, buy myself a new ride and you'd get the message. When you see the car with the Chargers license plate coming up behind you get the frock out of my way!!

And yes I do have a Chargers license plate...

I'd carry spray paint in the car so when the beautiful people are doing their slo-mo thing i'd get out at the next stoplight and paint the limit on their winshield so they would know how fast they should be going! I have the same approach to driving that I have playing basketball.

You can't hit what you can't see.

In a perfect world I could do those things and it would be justified. I'd have the backing of my fellow small to mid-sized car owners. The problem in Phoenix isn't traffic jams. The problem is that the giant vehicle owners are slowing everyone else down! You monkeys better pray I don't become President. For now, I say just carry eggs in your car and lob them over the giant vehicles so they land and break over the winshield. They will know someone is waiting on them, and they could never prove it was you...Go in peace my brethren and big vehicle owners, you've been served! Don't make me have to do it again!