Exposing the fallacy of the holidays
Before I get off on this rant, I want to say that I have no issue with how people portray this time of year. The space of time between Thanksgiving and Christmas is probably the time most families consciously decide to get together despite distance. My issue with this time of year is with the overcommercialization of this time of year. The people, families are not the reason for this, they are the ones affected and compelled by it. The elements that need to be removed is big business, Coprorate America and Madison Avenue.
I don't like how the publicity for the Christmas shopping season starts before Thanksgiving. Then, we move to Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving and the first day of the mad rush for gifts. This whole month-plus time span is aimed at one target market. Women. Why? Women do the shopping. You can't look at a telephone pole without seeing the word 'sale'. More emphasis is put into how much you spent than the intent in which the item was given. Everyone has their lists, let the stress begin. The true meaning of Christmas morphed from its original religious context to one of what everyone 'got'. Presents were only a footnote in the overall message. In the 21st century, presents ARE the message.
I hate Christmas music. Its funny because whenever I mention this to anyone, especially women, they say the same thing. 'Are you a Scrooge?' What does not liking Christmas music have to do with being a Scrooge? I didn't know Scrooge didn't like Christmas music. I never liked that Peter Cottontail song either but that doesn't mean I hate Easter! I can't stand Weird Al or Meatloaf, does that mean I hate nerds with no singing ability? Some of my best friends are nerds with no singing ability! I buy gifts like everyone else but if I hear Sleigh bells, Frosty the Snowman or Here Comes Santa Claus one more damn time...Anywhere you go outside your own home you will hear it playing. At work, in the malls, in elevators, blaring through parking lots. If this drivel wasn't playing 24/7 we would all still know what time of year it is now change the station!! If I hear ring, ting, tingling again I will destroy the receptacle from which it came...The only time of year that should have musical accompaniment is Halloween. At least that music is interesting.
Parents, when are we going to give the kids release from the Santa Claus myth? Its the 21st century already. Let it go!! We all remember when we found out
Brace yourselves
there was no Santa Claus. We were all disappointed and blamed our parents. Not me. I got up late one Christmas eve when I should have been sleeping and caught a glimpse through the darkness of my dad rolling my new BMX bike into the living room. Did I mind? No. It is much more believeable that my dad put all those presents under the tree than some fat man from the North Pole.
Antartica?
That brings me to my next point. Parents are missing out on a golden opportunity. Kids would have no trouble believing mom and dad are responsible for the cornucopia of gifts under the tree. In an age where kids have successfully 'divorced' their parents, kids these days have their noses too high in the air to buy into such a fantasy.
That's another thing...where did the tree part come in? Its supposed to be bad luck to open an umbrella indoors but its okay to put a seven foot tree in the living room?? I didn't see a tree anywhere near the manger...The fact they were all in the middle of the desert may have had something to do with that...
When were kids, we're too busy opening boxes to see the relatives' sidelong grins and smirks at the various Santa related references. There is a figure in history named Saint Nicklaus and we just took his legend and turned it into a cartoon. Weathermen go on television Christmas Eve and with the same smirk they give us the line:
There seems to be an UNIDENTIFIED flying object in the area...
If I were a weatherman, I would call in sick so I would not have to participate in this stupid lie. Every weatherman who does take part should have his degree revoked. If you're not talking about alien visitors i'm not buying it. Still every year, parents make sure the kids are watching this one newscast per year so they can get the kids to bed early, which doesn't work anyway. DOES IT??? There's much more power in saying 'If you're not good I won't get you anything for Christmas' than saying Santa won't get you anything for Christmas.
While we're on the subject of gifts, lets get to that double standard. Every commercial is get HER this, get HER that, make HER fall in love with you all over again. Women do the bulk of the shopping but the big ticket items are left to the men to buy. Buy her a expensive jewelry, a car or diamonds.
(He went to JARED!!)
Who hasn't seen those commercials? Two women standing next to a brand new car with a red bow on top...Uh huh. Where are the get HIM items??? Guys get jobbed by Madison Avenue. So far all i've seen are commercials for a new toolbench, Sports Illustrated or Fathead wall graphics. What do we get every year? Clothes. Old Spice. Tools. Sports Illustrated. In other words, everything we already have. By the time Christmas is over all of HER energy is gone so we don't even get laid! We can't even get nookie for Christmas! I guess Santa didn't want us to get some...
You want to know what to get him for Christmas ladies? I'm here to help. Get a pen.
1. Laid.
2. Tickets to a game of our favorite sports team. GOOD ones.
3. An entry into the World Series of Poker.
4. Laid again.
5. Electronics.
6. Anything with a big screen.
7. Laid some more.
8. A all-guys weekend in Vegas
9. A twenty minute lapdance in attire we picked out.
10. Did I mention laid? Just making sure.
See ladies, it isn't that hard to figure out. Men have the most basic of needs. Food, sports and sex. No man is hard to shop for when you show us your 'wares'. Guys, I expect letters of appreciation and details after the goods have been 'got'.
Remember the whole change Christmas to Xmas wave from a couple years ago? Don't hear of that nonsense anymore do ya? Xmas just doesn't look good in the sunday circulars. That's all that was about. Even political correctness takes a back seat this time of year. When people get trampled stampeding through mall entrances at 5 a.m. 'X' almost seems more appropriate.
What kind of columnist would I be if I didn't suggest solutions to the issues i've presented? Not a very good one so here it is. Down with Christmas music. I don't want to hear Mariah Carey warbling 'All I want for Christmas is You'. I don't want Michael McDonald stumbling through Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Who roasts Chestnuts anyway? You want Christmas music? Go with Trans-Siberian Orchestra. A good update on all the old classics you know and love and the carolers will never be able to manage it. Just having some fun carolers. Nothing but love for ya. The carolers can stay. Other than that, so long Burl Ives and all you other old fogies. Hit the bricks and take your tired recordings with you.
Christmas movies classics (Miracle on 31st street, A Christmas Carol, etc, etc...) will all be remade. By Tim Burton. A Christmas Story can stay unchanged. Any holiday movie with Santa booting a kid down the slide and the family patriarch putting a lamp in the shape of a female leg in the window is cool with me! The holiday cartoon versions can go unedited also. See, my heart isn't totally black...
As it stands, I am not a sould incapable of being converted. I have not had a significant other to spend the holidays with this decade. All I want for Christmas is a hot nymphomaniac who is ready to settle down...All interested applicants leave a response with a picture... I don't have kids and I wouldn't doubt seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child rekindles your own childhood feelings of the same type. Maybe if I get what I want before i'm too old to enjoy it my column will change but for now, this is unfortunately the way it is in my view and there is no signs of change in the air, just a deeper descent into the capitalist sinkhole. Ho Ho Ho....
I don't like how the publicity for the Christmas shopping season starts before Thanksgiving. Then, we move to Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving and the first day of the mad rush for gifts. This whole month-plus time span is aimed at one target market. Women. Why? Women do the shopping. You can't look at a telephone pole without seeing the word 'sale'. More emphasis is put into how much you spent than the intent in which the item was given. Everyone has their lists, let the stress begin. The true meaning of Christmas morphed from its original religious context to one of what everyone 'got'. Presents were only a footnote in the overall message. In the 21st century, presents ARE the message.
I hate Christmas music. Its funny because whenever I mention this to anyone, especially women, they say the same thing. 'Are you a Scrooge?' What does not liking Christmas music have to do with being a Scrooge? I didn't know Scrooge didn't like Christmas music. I never liked that Peter Cottontail song either but that doesn't mean I hate Easter! I can't stand Weird Al or Meatloaf, does that mean I hate nerds with no singing ability? Some of my best friends are nerds with no singing ability! I buy gifts like everyone else but if I hear Sleigh bells, Frosty the Snowman or Here Comes Santa Claus one more damn time...Anywhere you go outside your own home you will hear it playing. At work, in the malls, in elevators, blaring through parking lots. If this drivel wasn't playing 24/7 we would all still know what time of year it is now change the station!! If I hear ring, ting, tingling again I will destroy the receptacle from which it came...The only time of year that should have musical accompaniment is Halloween. At least that music is interesting.
Parents, when are we going to give the kids release from the Santa Claus myth? Its the 21st century already. Let it go!! We all remember when we found out
Brace yourselves
there was no Santa Claus. We were all disappointed and blamed our parents. Not me. I got up late one Christmas eve when I should have been sleeping and caught a glimpse through the darkness of my dad rolling my new BMX bike into the living room. Did I mind? No. It is much more believeable that my dad put all those presents under the tree than some fat man from the North Pole.
Antartica?
That brings me to my next point. Parents are missing out on a golden opportunity. Kids would have no trouble believing mom and dad are responsible for the cornucopia of gifts under the tree. In an age where kids have successfully 'divorced' their parents, kids these days have their noses too high in the air to buy into such a fantasy.
That's another thing...where did the tree part come in? Its supposed to be bad luck to open an umbrella indoors but its okay to put a seven foot tree in the living room?? I didn't see a tree anywhere near the manger...The fact they were all in the middle of the desert may have had something to do with that...
When were kids, we're too busy opening boxes to see the relatives' sidelong grins and smirks at the various Santa related references. There is a figure in history named Saint Nicklaus and we just took his legend and turned it into a cartoon. Weathermen go on television Christmas Eve and with the same smirk they give us the line:
There seems to be an UNIDENTIFIED flying object in the area...
If I were a weatherman, I would call in sick so I would not have to participate in this stupid lie. Every weatherman who does take part should have his degree revoked. If you're not talking about alien visitors i'm not buying it. Still every year, parents make sure the kids are watching this one newscast per year so they can get the kids to bed early, which doesn't work anyway. DOES IT??? There's much more power in saying 'If you're not good I won't get you anything for Christmas' than saying Santa won't get you anything for Christmas.
While we're on the subject of gifts, lets get to that double standard. Every commercial is get HER this, get HER that, make HER fall in love with you all over again. Women do the bulk of the shopping but the big ticket items are left to the men to buy. Buy her a expensive jewelry, a car or diamonds.
(He went to JARED!!)
Who hasn't seen those commercials? Two women standing next to a brand new car with a red bow on top...Uh huh. Where are the get HIM items??? Guys get jobbed by Madison Avenue. So far all i've seen are commercials for a new toolbench, Sports Illustrated or Fathead wall graphics. What do we get every year? Clothes. Old Spice. Tools. Sports Illustrated. In other words, everything we already have. By the time Christmas is over all of HER energy is gone so we don't even get laid! We can't even get nookie for Christmas! I guess Santa didn't want us to get some...
You want to know what to get him for Christmas ladies? I'm here to help. Get a pen.
1. Laid.
2. Tickets to a game of our favorite sports team. GOOD ones.
3. An entry into the World Series of Poker.
4. Laid again.
5. Electronics.
6. Anything with a big screen.
7. Laid some more.
8. A all-guys weekend in Vegas
9. A twenty minute lapdance in attire we picked out.
10. Did I mention laid? Just making sure.
See ladies, it isn't that hard to figure out. Men have the most basic of needs. Food, sports and sex. No man is hard to shop for when you show us your 'wares'. Guys, I expect letters of appreciation and details after the goods have been 'got'.
Remember the whole change Christmas to Xmas wave from a couple years ago? Don't hear of that nonsense anymore do ya? Xmas just doesn't look good in the sunday circulars. That's all that was about. Even political correctness takes a back seat this time of year. When people get trampled stampeding through mall entrances at 5 a.m. 'X' almost seems more appropriate.
What kind of columnist would I be if I didn't suggest solutions to the issues i've presented? Not a very good one so here it is. Down with Christmas music. I don't want to hear Mariah Carey warbling 'All I want for Christmas is You'. I don't want Michael McDonald stumbling through Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Who roasts Chestnuts anyway? You want Christmas music? Go with Trans-Siberian Orchestra. A good update on all the old classics you know and love and the carolers will never be able to manage it. Just having some fun carolers. Nothing but love for ya. The carolers can stay. Other than that, so long Burl Ives and all you other old fogies. Hit the bricks and take your tired recordings with you.
Christmas movies classics (Miracle on 31st street, A Christmas Carol, etc, etc...) will all be remade. By Tim Burton. A Christmas Story can stay unchanged. Any holiday movie with Santa booting a kid down the slide and the family patriarch putting a lamp in the shape of a female leg in the window is cool with me! The holiday cartoon versions can go unedited also. See, my heart isn't totally black...
As it stands, I am not a sould incapable of being converted. I have not had a significant other to spend the holidays with this decade. All I want for Christmas is a hot nymphomaniac who is ready to settle down...All interested applicants leave a response with a picture... I don't have kids and I wouldn't doubt seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child rekindles your own childhood feelings of the same type. Maybe if I get what I want before i'm too old to enjoy it my column will change but for now, this is unfortunately the way it is in my view and there is no signs of change in the air, just a deeper descent into the capitalist sinkhole. Ho Ho Ho....
posted by TheLegacyKey | 10:32 PM
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