Sports blogging with style

Never fear. The Greg One is here! Welcome back to the Gallery my pretties. Time to cross the threshold of the ridiculous and the sublime as only The Greg One can. There's been a lot going down lately so grab some popcorn and make yourself at home. Raider fan, i'd go ahead and leave now. Your time is coming...soon. The writers block is over and The Greg One is ripping it up like Mike Metzger at the X Games. Television programming note: I have learned of the coolest television program since the late, great Sam Kinison starred in Charlie Hoover. A moment of silence for the greatest comic ever.

Rest in Peace, Sam...Have you tapped Marilyn yet?

I will go on record as detesting reality television. Screw Survivor. Screw The Real World. Screw The Contender. Screw The Apprentice. Screw The Simple Life. You get the idea. When I become President, one of my first acts of office will be to fire every producer of a reality television series.

Destroy the head and the body will fall...

Originally I would have ordered a public execution for these creeps. They have single-handedly contributed to the stupifying of America and they should pay. However, I consider myself a man of the world and public execution may be a little too harsh

and affect my chances for re-election

even for these cretins so instead i'll make them stand in a town square somewhere and allow the public to throw vegetables

(Soft ones...)

at them for half an hour. That will give them a small taste of the bile we have had to digest trying to watch their pretentious programming. I would then make sure their shows are irrevocably cancelled.

All but one...

Mister freaking T is getting his own television show called I Pity The Fool! YES! I have not been this excited about something on TV since the season opening monday night game between the Chargers and Raiders. Mr. T is going to go city to city and grunt at people that do stupid stuff. What better premise is there?

HMMMMMMMMMM

The slogan is 'In every city, there's fools to pity!' This is going to be a legendary show. Mark my words. I just want to know if he is going to go the whole nine yards and put back on all the gold.

Go with what brought you to the dance, T!!

If you're reading this, do it T! We all want to see it. Don't be afraid to smack the stupid out of those fools either! It's your show, do what you gotta do!

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

I'm making sure to write in the guy who thought of this show for producer of the year. There is an Oscar in your future if I have anything to say about it. Everyone reading this, watch this show. We gotta make it number one. Mr. T needs the money. How long until M.C. Hammer comes out with his show? I will allow it only if the gold lame genie pants come with it. Word on the street is Gary Coleman is pissed no one has approached him for his own show yet.

Midget Security Officer 911...

One last thing. This goes out to anyone reading this who ends up on the show somehow. It is a reality show, he could be popping up at a location near you...I will personally put up fifty dollars of my own money and send it to you if you ask him ON TV

'Aren't you B.A. Baracus?'

Its in writing. I have to live up to it. Now watch this show or i'll send Mr.T to your house. I PITY THE FOOL!

Hockey season is back. Everywhere, around the United States, you can hear grass growing and crickets chirping. WHY do we even bother with hockey anyway? All the people in this country who are not a quarter or more Canadian could care less. Did anyone notice when the hockey strike was going on? No. Did anyone care there was a hockey strike going on? No. Did anyone take off work to mourn the loss of hockey? No. Didn't we all think hockey was the term for cutting school? Yes. You're up against the NFL, the NBA, the MLB and the Redneck Road Race aka NASCAR. Good luck with that. Just play out the season on XBOX and send ESPN an email with who won. It will leave more room for highlights from sports that matter!

There is a lot of noise being made about the new ball Commissioner David Stern is rolling out for the new NBA season. With the regular season only a couple of weeks away, a lot of complaining is being done about the new ball. Instead of the tried and true leather ball, the new ball is a synthetic ball akin to the fake leather ball we all buy instead of forking out $20-$30 for a real leather ball. Shaq doesn't like it, as if he could shoot any worse. We're only a couple more seasons from having to bring extra backboards to the games he plays in for danger he's going to break them with the bricks he calls free throws. Steve Nash is on record as against it. That argument could carry more weight. Nash is the premier point guard in the league and knows something about handling and shooting the ball. Its just ironic that in an era where the players and coaches are getting tens of millions of dollars and everything is done in excess, the game is going to be played with a fake leather ball. Next he's going to replace all those diamonds in the championship rings with cubic zirconias. No one will ever notice the difference...Right?

Tiger Woods has won six straight PGA tournaments. There's being in a zone and then there's just scaring the crap out of the competition. Tiger is the only person that matters in golf and is single-handedly keeping it from going the way of hockey. Want the inside scoop? Here's a snippet of dialogue from the last event. We pick up the action as a couple unnamed pros take their cuts:
Pro #1 (talking to pro #2 at the third hole): I have been playing great. I am going to have a great shot at the trophy this year. WHACK!
Pro #2: I feel the same way. My greens have been solid, my putting has been excellent lately...You're going to have to fight me for that trophy. WHACK!
A huge roar goes up 100 yards away as Tiger steps out of the limo. A buzzing goes on in the walkie talkie of the caddie standing ten feet away.
Caddie: Tiger is here.
Pro #1: (Expletive deleted).
Pro #2: (Different expletive deleted).
Pro #1: How much does second get?
Pro #2: What difference does it make? We should go back to Europe where its safe. He won't be there until the next British Open!

I bet Tiger has a sound cue that plays 'Bad to the Bone' every course he goes to. It would have been Hells Bells but Trevor Hoffman beat him to it. It's Tigers' world and the PGA is just living in it. I think its hilarious that the most segregated sport not named NASCAR is getting the hell beaten out of it by its one prominent minority member. You can rest easy PGA. Last I heard, even Tiger is tired of laying the smack down on you fools and probably won't play any more this year.

Your latest in the Latest .Original.Rock.Installemnt. Check out the Non-Sequitor forum in seahawks huddle for my Queensryche concert review. I'm going to see Evanescense at the end of the month. Any Phoenix area huddle hotties are welcome to join me, even the L.O.R.I.'s namesake claylori. Drop me a line or a post. Be my Amy Lee...if only for one evening.

The Major League Baseball playoffs are upon us. Its about damn time. The MLB season is entirely too long. Why do you need 162 freakin games before the postseason? That's like eating just to eat. You don't need 162 games to decide a regular season champion! That's why people clamor for football and basketball. They do just as much or more in less time than baseball does. Who wants to watch 162 Devil Rays games? That's more like a sentence handed down to someone convicted of robbing a bank. You can spend two years in jail or go to every Devil Rays game next season... That's how you keep criminals off the streets. The Yankees imploded again which is awesome. I don't like teams that try to buy their championships.

That includes you Lakers

All the money in the world can't buy comeraderie which is why your newly bought 'dynasties' fail. Alex Rodriguez is becoming the biggest 250 million dollar bust in history. Why didn't you call in Larry The Cable Guy to deliver a Git-R-Done motivational speech? You've found every other way to waste your money. No one feels bad for A-Rod. He's going to go home to his mansions and awaiting harem and live the life only Hugh Hefner knows. He's got to have a thicker skin. He's the Stuart Smalley of the MLB. Get a clue and leave New York before they start throwing batteries at you!

I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And dog-gone-it people like me!

Don't think I forgot you did you Raider fan? Wasn't that season opener a thing of beauty? San Diego 27, Raiders 0. That was quite possibly the greatest game I have ever seen. A tear still wells up in my eye when I think about it...right there..Nine sacks. Shutout. In Oakland. Your convicted felons, I mean fans, leaving the stadium in droves with nine minutes left to go in the fourth quarter. In DROVES bitches!! So much for loyalty. Your own players laughing at the quarterback as he repeatedly gets bodyslammed by Shawn Merriman and the crew. A thing of freakin beauty. On top of that, they have been beat down so bad they're still winless, infighting, rolling quarterbacks out of retirement. Jeff George, Tommy Maddox...How did they not get the job? That's like flunking kindergarten. Rest in pieces Raider monkeys. I believe Joe Thiesmann is free at the moment. You may want to reach out and touch someone...

Reggie Bush has been very un-spectacular in the first few weeks of his NFL life. He is going to get better but stop trying to rush the man into being the next LeBron James. He is only part of the offense and a lesser cog at the moment. He needs a couple years to grow into his role. Deuce McAllister has been a force this season and has gotten no credit for it so give him some love before he gets injured as he tends to do every season. Reggie did score the game-winning punt return touchdown in week four against Tampa Bay but he will be a utility man his whole career. He's not the second coming of Barry Sanders. The closest you will get to that is Ladainian Tomlinson. Bush is not a back who will carry the rock 20-25 times. He will run a few times and recieve most of the time. Let him work on being the first Reggie Bush and not the savior of the league. The league does not need a savior and has plenty of star power to cultivate. It was great to see the return of the Saints to the dome in New Orleans. We were all affected by the devastation of Katrina in some way. We either knew someone involved, had new people at work or in your neighborhood or school who were transplanted from New Orleans. Thoughts and prayers go out to those who are or were affected by last year's natural disaster. I was a teacher here in Arizona last year and had students who were there a result of it. My heart and those of all around you go out to you. We know its not sympathy you want but you would feel the same way if the roles were reversed. Compassion for your fellow man is something that we could use a lot more of in this day and age. In the end, we're all one. Regroup and rebuild New Orleans and we will all be there to celebrate with you if not in person, in spirit.

What is the deal with the Colts? The almost lose to the Jets on the road in week 3 and only beat Tennessee by a 14-13 score in week 4. Unacceptable! Peyton, I love the commercials but get off the sound stage and get back to four touchdowns per game. My fantasy team needs you so get your head right dammit! Speaking of fantasy teams, if you have any Raiders on your team, drop them. All of them. You had no business drafting them anyway. Go sit in a corner and think about the stupidity of your actions. I showed up for a draft late and had the #2 pick which had already passed. The computer chose Larry Johnson. I traded him for Tomlinson the next day. Those of you with stars in your eyes about a 2000 yard season for LJ, how you feeling now. Go with the proven commodity, not potential with the first pick. Tomlinson should have been the first pick on everyone's list. Serves you right. Don't even get me started on Shaun Alexander...

Speaking of LT, how 'bout them Chargers?! I wrote about it even before the preseason started. Look it up. There will be no letdown in San Diego and I have been right. The defense is still #1, LT is still killing the opposition and Philip Rivers is the real deal, just ask the Steelers. San Diego will win the AFC West by at least two games and be a top three seed in the playoffs.

It's Monday, October 9th and from what I hear its Columbus Day. How many people knew that ahead of time? We didn't get any mail but we still had to go to work? What kind of holiday is that? If you don't get the day off, it doesn't count! That's why I take my birthday off every year! This was the day Columbus discovered America. How do you discover a place where people already live? The indians were here first. If you all will excuse me, I am going to go turn on a faucet and discover water...